I don't like talking about people behind their backs, but with you I'll make the exception because you're too fucking emotionally unstable to be able to handle the truth to your face. So here's a little reality check for you.
1) Nobody actually likes you. Everybody you know has complained about you to me at least once, most on a regular occasion. I can see exactly where they're coming from.
2) You're the last person in the world who can tell me how to eat healthily. Whatever you believe, pasta is healthier than deep fried chips. Get that into your head. You'd have thought the fact that I'm in a much better shape than you would be a shining example of why I'm right, but apparently not.
3) You need to stop complaining you're overweight and continuing to stuff your face with a fucking multi-pack of mars bars. Your excuses for not going to the gym are ridiculous, "I don't like the showers" being a personal highlight. If you want to lose weight, get on a fucking treadmill. Don't sit there crying into your Krispy Kremes.
4) You're not a nice person. The tone of your voice with everything you say is disgusting, and 'twat' seems to come out of your mouth every other word. When I laugh when you say "I guess I'm just too nice!", it's because I'm trying to figure out if there's any way on earth you could be serious.
5) You're fucking lazy. Every single things is "too much effort", from walking up a hill that literally takes 45 seconds to taking putting on a jumper when you're cold.
I swear down, if you say something is too much effort, or call someone a twat, or bitch about my friend, or do any of this shit you think I think is funny anymore, I'm going to stab you in the face with a shovel. Repeatedly. Sort your fucking life out.